The QI logic

I've been invited to a wedding.  For the first time ever, one of my clients liked me well enough to invite me to attend her wedding.  It's in Pitlochry later this year, and I'm really looking forward to it.  Worryingly, it's going to have a Medieval theme going on, and I don't know how I'm going to be able to swing that.  I don't have any clothes available that I can use.  I'll need to try to get creative, somehow.

For this class, I worked with two tutors.  Edith and (arriving slightly later) Marie-Dominique.  Edith was presenting the class for the first time, while Marie-Dominique was mostly observing.

One of my favourite drawing challenges in this class was the "straight lines" challenge.  It's always a fun one and it's always pretty cool to see how people would get renewed confidence as a result of it - girls who thought they couldn't draw would suddenly find themselves making some really cool pictures.  But this week, they seemed to be even better and more artistic than usual.

I was going to choose one particular picture that had some great, angular lines but I got outvoted and ended up going for the one where I supposedly looked a bit like Frankenstein's monster, but with a six-pack.  I'm not entirely sure I agree with that, but it was still a good picture.

Since the random points element of the last class went so well, I returned to that concept and briefly explained it to Edith.  I was going to tear a page out of a sketchpad, like last time, but she spotted a scoreboard, which we used instead.  I'll use that at future bookings in The Standard from now on.  It's going to save a bit of paper.

Using the QI logic, I deducted points as well as awarding them throughout the class.  Towards the end, one of the girls had a very good lead while another had lost loads and gained none.  This girl tried to talk me into contriving some sort of scenario where she would get enough points that she'd still win.  It was definitely tempting, but in the end I played fair.  Not through any moral high ground situation - just because it, at that point, it seemed like that would be more fun to do so.

The collaborative challenge had some particularly creative interpretations going on this time.  One group ended up dividing the body in a very imaginative way.  This group didn't divide me into the usual three key areas of head, torso and legs.  Instead, they took individual parts from all over my body, then tore up the sheets of paper to make them all fit together.  The first photographs where they held all those parts up over my body to illustrate what they had in mind didn't work anywhere near as well as when they simply laid them all down on the floor.  I'm really glad I got a picture of that myself, because it worked amazingly well, when it was laid out like that.

I've been asked occasionally about what I'd do if there was a man in any of my classes.  It's happened before and I never had a problem with it at all.  This is the sort of question that honestly, genuinely surprises me. I'm standing naked before a lot of women and I don't feel remotely self-conscious.  I can't figure out why people would assume that the presence of another man would cause a problem.  There was a man in this class as well, and he seemed to have as good a time as any of the girls there.

Also... for the second time this year, I had a group where there was at least one girl who would have been happy to get naked as well.  For a moment it looked like she really was seriously considering it, and trying to decide whether it would be a good idea or not.  Ultimately, however, she kept her clothes on.  Though later, she mentioned it again and commented on how she thought it might not have been appropriate.

This is the sort of thing that I think is down to the dynamics of the group.  When there are a lot of clothed women (or mostly women) and one naked man, then everything is pretty clear.  If one women gets naked, that would tip the balance of power, and then the dynamic would shift a bit.  I'm not automatically opposed to that happening, though.  But it's definitely something that should be a group decision.  It would be interesting to see how things would go if anyone ever did join me, but I'm definitely going to wait for it to be something that happens naturally.  Still... it would be an interesting world if there were more exhibitionists like me in it.

My favourite picture this time, was really heavy on the black charcoal and looked very artistic.  It was one part of one of the collaborative challenge, and probably wasn't all that flattering to me (there was a certain lack of size going on) but it looked cool, so it just had to win.

It definitely was a fun group.  And a good one for both Edith and Marie-Dominique to be part of as their first.  I still don't know if I'm going to be able to get to the wedding, because that depends on a bit of scheduling I've got going on that weekend.  But I really hope I'll be able to get there, because it sounds like it'll be a lot of fun.

Nasty, nasty feet

There was a great moment in this class that I really loved.  When one of the girls won a competition and was asked if she wanted to pose with me for a photograph of her holding her picture, her tone of voice was perfect.  She said "yeah", with such a casual enthusiasm - almost like I was a bit of an idiot for even thinking I needed to ask.  And then she bounced up and posed with me.  I loved it.

This was one of those cheery, lively groups that seemed to be composed of a group of girls who all already knew each other really well and who really enjoyed each others' company.  It doesn't feel like work at all with a group like that, because their own enthusiasm - and probably their own excitement at being all together at once - really seems to carry everything along completely naturally.  All Alison and I have to do is suggest a challenge or an exercise and occasionally nudge them into a different direction.  

Thankfully, the Standard was much warmer, this time.  The radiators had been given enough time to take the chill off the room and I was able to shake off some of the shrinkage at last.  Stupidly, though, I'd had a glass of coke and a cup of coffee, between the two classes - and so, I was slightly nervous that I might need to take a toilet break halfway through.  That would have been disruptive.  It never became urgent, though, so I was able to cope without any real difficulty.

Yet again, I found it really difficult to pick winners out of a lot of the competitions, because there were some great drawings.  Lots of colour going on, too, which tends to influence me when I'm making my decisions.  For some strange reason, smiley faces have been known to sway me a lot, too.  Perhaps, deep down, I'm just a big kid ready to be distracted by the next shiney thing.

When we got to the "Make A Giant Man" challenge, one girl drew two feet.  Incredibly nasty feet, with horrible toenails.  Even the fact that she'd used the blue chalk to put the Saint Andrew's Cross on all the nails, there was no disguising that these were nasty, nasty feet.  Which actually might have made them the most realistic drawings that anyone's ever produced in these classes.

I never do this usually, but this time round I couldn't resist - and I asked if she was prepared to part with one of the feet, since she had two.  She gave it to me, and I passed it round the class and asked everybody to sign it.  It was a really cool souvenir to take away from this class.

The "Make A Giant Man" pose is perfect for photographic opportunities, even if only parts of the "Giant Man" are being displayed at any point.  The feet could almost have been enough to make a cool photograph all on their own, but a PG version is always worth having as a backup option.  Something that can be shown to the grandparents, perhaps... or those grandparents with a bit of a sense of humour, anyway.

One of the girls asked me what my favourite chat-up routine was like, and I told her I didn't have one.  I'm too shy.  I don't talk to girls in pubs.  Then, a little while later, one of them overheard me ask Alison if she wanted to get a drink when we were finished - and, crucially, she heard Alison agree.  And she immediately pointed out that clearly my chatting up skills were getting better.

But I still have nasty feet.  Luckily, they're not the feature that generally get the most attention at these events.

The "Lunge Monster"

Sometimes I lie awake at nights and worry.  And the main worry I have is a serious one.  It shouldn't be undermined or ridiculed or dismissed.  That sort of thing is cruel and insensitive.  The main worry I have is... do I still have a peachy bum?

And then, next time I do a bit of nude modelling, I anxiously scrutinise the pictures that result from the session, and I check the bum for signs of peachiness and pertness and general juiciness.  And so far, it seems to be doing OK.  I think it's still peachy, anyway.  What do you think?

Anyway, let's not worry about that any more.  It wasn't peachiness I had to worry about on Saturday, at  the Standard - it was shrinkage.  That pub was cold, that morning.  I turned the radiators right up and tried not to stray too far from them, but still... I found myself worrying about whether the girls were getting their money's worth.

Later, I asked Alison about it.  She assured me I was fine.  She said she'd checked.  And none of the girls had complained.  But then, they're looking for other factors.  A charming and engaging model, a bit of flirtatious banter and even (if they're particularly demanding) the occasional spark of wit and intelligence.  Mostly, though, I'm confident that the nudity is practically irrelevant.  I'm sure of it.

Alison and I have been developing the competition concept a bit further, lately.  We took a fresh sheet of paper out of one of the sketchpads and started awarding the girls three points if their picture was the best.  But we also started adding and subtracting points for various arbitrary reasons that we were making up as we went along.  It wasn't exactly consistent, but it didn't really need to be, since it was just for a laugh.  But I kind of liked the idea of checking them later, and finding out if anyone had lost more points than they had gained.

And in this class, we had a fresh twist that we incorporated into the point system, when one girl asked me if I had a nickname for my penis.  It had never occurred to me to give it one, so that sparked off a whole debate about what the nickname should be, and everybody agreed that one should be awarded before the end of the class.  Pieces of paper were handed out, the girls all wrote down their thoughts and then the results were put into a glass and I checked through them all, read them out and picked my favourite.  And so, for those of you out there who might be curious, my penis is now called "Fluffy".

I was tempted to go for "Spartacus", but I preferred "Fluffy".  After all... for something as shy, retiring and generally inoffensive as that little thing, it just seemed to be a bit more appropriate.

Alison noticed that the girls had brought some props along with them, and a pair of plastic boobs were suddenly produced.  I didn't need much persuading to put them on, because - as most people know - I'm not easily embarrassed.  I was a little reluctant to "do the tuck" when one of the girls suggested it, but I was persuaded - and then undid it right away, when some cameras were raised.  Alison thought that was great.  It seems she's finally found my limit and might be prepared to exploit that in the future, if she can just figure out a way to do so.

The pictures were particularly good in this group, and I had an even harder time than usual, when it came to choosing the winners.  Some were amazing.  More than once, I had to resort to the "applause-o-meter" and let the girls choose their own winners, which is always fun.  It's getting to be more and more fun to give the pictures names, as well.  One picture had me standing over a girl and reaching out towards her as she lay on the floor.  I had just been about to call it the "Lunge Monster", but then I turned it round to make it look like she was standing up and called it the "John and Yoko" instead.  It was just meant as a flippant comparison to the famous photograph, but after that I couldn't shake the connection, so that's the name that stuck.

Ultimately, though, the winner was called "The erection".  I really should point out that there were no genuine erections involved in the creation of this picture, but the girl who drew out clearly had an imagination that was perfectly capable of creating one, and so it became a key feature of the winning picture.  And yes, it was the "applause-o-meter" that made that final decision.

Attitudes to nudity

Sometimes there are really cool coincidences going on at these hen nights.  I was originally supposed to do this class at the Tiki Bar in Glasgow, but due to some sort of mistake (I'm still not clear on it) the booking didn't go ahead.  So some rapid calling round ensued and I got a conference room at the Premier Inn, just off George Square instead.  Then, halfway through the class, one of the girls told Alison and I that they were all actually staying in that hotel.

Something similar happened once before.  I did a job in Inverness, and spent a day hunting for suitable venues.  When I finally found one on the far side of the river, the girls told me they were staying in the hotel right next door.

Anyway, this wasn't the most stress free of weekends.  I had two jobs - one in Edinburgh at 12PM and one in Glasgow at 3PM, but I didn't have a model for the Edinburgh job.  I thought of sending Alison on to Glasgow to set up the room, while I did both jobs.  I'd worked out that I could catch the train at 1:45PM, get into Glasgow at 2:36PM and get to the Premier Inn less than ten minutes after that.  But then, I'd have been stressing the whole time, just in case the train was running late.

Thankfully, however, we managed to get a model for the Edinburgh class.  So I dropped off the sketchpads, met Alison at the bus station (cheaper than the train) and took off for Glasgow in plenty of time.

We had a great group.  They came down and introduced themselves, then most of them arrived in plenty of time for the class, but three of them were late.  When that three arrived, they had dressed for the part.  I won't even bother describing them - just check out the pictures.

The girls had all been to the Tennents Brewery the day before, and attended a cookery class there.  I'd never heard of this before, but it sounded pretty cool, the way they described it.  I did a quick web search and I think this is it.  It might be worth checking out, because it could be a good alternative venue for future classes in Glasgow.

One of the girls seemed pretty curious about my attitudes towards nudity and had a lot of questions and insights of her own.  She said that she'd felt a bit self-conscious about being in a room with a naked man, for about five minutes, and then she'd simply relaxed right into it and started to almost treat it like it was something normal.  I said that when I first started life modelling, back in my early twenties, I had felt intensely nervous for the first shift, but within a week I had actually had to remind myself of the reasons that nudity had ever felt unnatural.

I wondered what she would make of the Aberlady nude beach, and it occurred to me that she might go along if I ever invited her.  Or if she didn't live in Oban.  And then it occurred to me that there might be one in Oban as well.  It's been a long time since I last visited in Oban.  And it rained that week.  Every day.  Still a beautiful place, though and still well worth going back to.

It's a shame that Premier Inns always look so clinical and sterile, because they're otherwise good venues.  When the various pub options have been exhausted, we always know we can fall back on one of these places and they're always very clean and presentable - never a need to sweep up or do some rapid cleaning after the previous night's drinking if the bar staff have been a bit remiss.  But they almost never seem to provide a good backdrop for any truly great photographs.  So these postings tend to lack a bit of sparkle as a result.

Despite that, though, we still managed to get good pictures with our various competition winners.  Alison and I have continued with our new routine of picking out winning pictures as we go along, and we took some PG versions of the photographs each time.  I could be flattering myself, but I get the impression that they enjoyed their various moments in the spotlight.

Alison and I went to the Tiki Bar after that, and had a couple of drinks.  It's definitely one of my favourite places to visit, when I'm in town.  It was a nice way to round off the afternoon.

Waxing with Kirsty

Those of you who follow this blog - and I know there must be somebody out there, or I'm just talking to myself - probably already know that I like to keep my thatch looking reasonably neat.  I've been waxed a couple of times during training sessions run by Kim Lawless, and those have been fairly public affairs.  Being naked for one of my hen nights is nothing, compared to being naked for a class full of girls, when a couple of them are going to be getting fairly intimate with hot wax.  It's a nerve-wracking experience, but it's definitely worth it.

The last time I got waxed, though, was in September of 2011, so I was definitely due an update.  Overdue an update.  I've been looking pretty unkempt lately, as a result.  It's not the sort of thing that most girls complain about in one of my classes, because a bit of a thatch isn't exactly unusual.  But if they can see there's been a bit of grooming, they seem to appreciate it.

Back in September, I was the practice model for a girl called Kirsty Penny, and she did a great job.  I was really impressed with the results, and made a decision that I was definitely going to go back to her.  I tried to make arrangements back in January, but for various reasons I wasn't able to make it.  I eventually got round to it last night, though.  And I think a monthly visit from now on, for a bit of maintenance is in order.

I would recommend Kirsty to anyone.  We discussed what I wanted and this time I was left with a really cool triangular thatch that I loved.  At the time, it didn't even occur to me that one of the more subversive elements of a thatch like that, is that it's kind of "pointing the way".  I'm sure that when I work again this weekend, the girls will already have a clear idea of where they want to look, but if they choose to, they could always follow the hints from that little arrow.

I've been spreading the word, lately.  I've recommended waxing to a few people.  I've told guys about the benefits, and they've always looked fairly dubious - though, in many cases, they've also looked pretty intrigued.  I've turned to their girlfriends and recommended that they get persuasive.  I keep telling them that when they first cup that velvety smooth pair of plums in their hand, they'll never go back to how it was before.  On at least one occasion, I convinced the boyfriend to get it done, but my success rate has probably been a bit low when I pitch it to the men.

Anyway, I definitely recommend it.  With the right therapist (and Kirsty is definitely one of the good ones) you'll get really good results with a minimum level of discomfort.  So, if this blog has any influence at all on anyone local, then contact her.  She's worth it.

Seriously... when I got home after getting it done, I walked around naked for the rest of the night, just admiring it and stroking the smooth bits.  Not in a dirty way, I should add.  Well... OK... occasionally in a dirty way.  Actually, that should be acknowledged, because it's indisputable.  Being handled that intimately, and getting results that cool... it's going to make the area clean, but it's just inevitable that the mind is going to turn that little bit dirty.

KirstyPenny@Gmail.Com

07912 683 920

The future's so bright...

Normally, I don't go naming any of the people among the groups who hire me.  There are two reasons for that - first is that I'm terrible at remembering names, so I don't have to worry about getting it right.  Second is that I worry a little about the privacy of those who might not want to be named.  Now, since I've been posting pictures more and more often, the privacy issue might be largely redundant.  The remembering part, though... that's as relevant as ever.

Today's group, though... they had already been a bit prepared.  The name of the bride was plastered all over the wall, with a couple of photographs taped up.  I haven't vetted the pictures I plan to use yet, so that name might be revealed to any readers of this blog.  But I'm still going to refer to her as "the bride".  Just like I always do.

This was actually one of the easiest classes I've ever organised.  Mostly because I didn't actually do all that much organising.  The girl who hired me was very efficient.  The original plan had been to hold the event in Dumfries, but it got moved to Glasgow at a very early stage.  I told the organiser about The Tiki Bar, and said that was a favourite venue of mine - in fact, my only regular venue in Glasgow, but still an incredibly cool place.  I sent her my usual link to the bar's website and in her next email to me, she spoke about how she had called the bar right away.  Apparently the bar staff enthused about my classes, so I get a little extra validation and she signed everybody up for their Cocktail Making Masterclass as well.  That would have been held shortly after the tutor and I left.

The introduction was fun, again.  I noticed that there was a sort of cupboard (I missed it on previous visits to The Tiki Bar) and I asked the barman if it was OK to use it.  He pointed out that it was tiny, but since I was only going to be hiding inside it, that was cool with me.  I set up the room so that the bride's chair was facing in that general direction to make sure she'd get the best possible view of my introduction, tucked my clothes behind a bit of furniture at the back of the room and waited for the organiser to arrive.

When she did, we went through the introduction and I described how Adriana could cue up the usual boring routine - claiming she was going to teach them to draw fruit.  She loved that and I asked how she wanted me to step out.  Some people like me to be wearing something right at the start.  But no... naked... she was very adamant on that one.  Later, she told me her boyfriend says that she's bossy.  I just thought that she was a woman who knew exactly what she wanted and wasn't shy about saying so.

I couldn't close the cupboard door properly,  but that meant I had a great view of what was going on through the crack by the hinge.  I could see a large chunk of the room.  At one point, I could see one girl showing another girl a ring she was wearing, and I thought I'd identified the bride.  Apparently not, though - this was a girl who had recently become engaged.

A couple of minutes later, I thought I'd messed up on the surprise when another girl (who actually turned out to be the bride) walked to the back of the room.  I was surprised and curious to see that she was carrying a pair of skis and wearing a skiing outfit.  She went looking for somewhere to set down the skis, which meant she glanced behind a piece of furniture and saw my clothes piled up.  She was curious about them and commented on them, but didn't pick up on what they really implied.  I was a bit anxious at that point, but after a moment she found her seat and sat down.  And so I waited for my cue.

There were no shrieks or screams when I stepped out of the cupboard.  In fact, it was the most chilled out and relaxed response I've ever had.  I was almost disappointed.  But then I loved the way they just took everything in their stride after that.  The poses, the challenges, the whole lot.  They definitely seemed to enjoy themselves, anyway.  And, like the organiser, they didn't seem particularly shy with their requests or thoughts or ideas.  I still wouldn't have referred to anyone as being "bossy", though.

A couple of times I was asked to wear shades, as part of a couple of the poses.  I loved them.  Being naked is one thing.  Being naked with shades on is just quirky.

I asked about the skis, but she wouldn't elaborate.  She claimed to have been skiing in France that morning and hadn't had time to get changed yet.  A good answer, but I've got my doubts.  There's no way she could convince me on that one.  I'm not an idiot.  I know she could have got changed at the airport.

Later... inevitably... we used the skis as props in one of the poses.

Like last week, I picked out favourite pictures from every pose.  Like last week, the plan was to have individual winners as we went along - then one final, overall winner at the end.  Unlike last week, however, the overall winner somehow got forgotten amidst the sheer energy of the whole event.  I only remembered about it much later, and I was gutted.

During one pose, there were three great pictures and I couldn't pick a favourite.  They each had great physical characteristics going on, so they were immediately referred to as Bruce Forsyth, Frankenstein's monster and the missing link.  Seriously... if you'd seen these specific pictures, you'd have got the references right away.  Assuming you knew who Bruce Forsyth was, of course.

The bride at one point asked me what I was doing in July of 2014 - I think a friend of hers is getting married.  So if she books me, that might turn out to be the most foreplanned event I've ever had.  So, now I really hope the world doesn't end this year, because I really wouldn't want to disappoint her.

The last pose of the class - like in the last couple of weeks - was the "Make a Giant Man" pose.  I should get name all these poses and get some cards printed up or something.  That would be fun.  When we laid it out, it seemed that this group of girls were particularly interested in drawing my torso.  One claimed that she had drawn my groin, but no matter how I looked at it or what way I held it, I just couldn't see it at all.  In the end, I told her it looked like a medieval helmet and put it above my head instead - or above where my head would have been, if anyone had drawn me with a face.

The bride was drawing me in profile and she drew my nose - nothing else.  Fair enough... the only thing bigger than my nose is my chin, so that worked in profile.  So, perhaps the Giant Man needed a helmet - to disguise the fact that the rest of his face was hidden.

A giant eye

Yesterday, I was working with a new tutor - an Australian girl called Jodi, that Alison had recruited.  She arrived early, shortly after I'd set up the room, so we were able to talk for a while and learn what each others' expectations were.  When she asked about the upcoming group, I told her I didn't know anything about them, because they'd booked through one of the agencies.  All I knew was that there were twelve girls.

I said that the default option was to assume that at least one person was being surprised, so I should step outside and wait for my intro.  If nobody arrived early and introduced themselves, that was how we'd play it.  We were still talking, though, when two of the girls turned up - so after that, we were able to get a clearer idea of the right approach to take.

They told us that the only person still in the dark was the bride.  They were going to lead her in blindfolded and they wondered if I'd take up a position just in front of her, ready for "the grand unveiling".  They apologised in advance for the screaming we would get.  Then they went back up to the bar and ordered their drinks and waited for their friends to turn up.

So that was great.  Jodi and I got ready and waited for the girls to come back.  I kept on my bright trousers until everybody had taken their seats, then took the bride's hand for a moment and everybody took a few pictures while she was wondering what was going on.

She definitely did scream.  In fact, once she'd made the initial glance at me, it was ages before she could even look at me.  She had her head turned away and her eyes covered - the whole lot.  Sometimes, at these points, I worry slightly about whether the bride's friends have misjudged her response; but these always seem to be early reactions and the moments always seem to pass fairly quickly.

 Jodi did a great job of introducing the class and getting things moving along.  And she was cool about taking pictures on my iphone.  I asked everybody's permission in advance, as usual, and explained how the pictures would add a bit of colour to the blog, and they were all cool about it.

We did the random picture generator thing for the last pose.  The girls were all asked to draw a single body part, so we could try to create a man on the floor when we were done.  I'm hooked on that challenge, now - I always want to see what kind of results we'll get.  This time, I ended up with two torsos, a giant nipple, a giant eye, five penises and no legs.  And the bride - the girl who could barely look at me, back at the start of the class - was responsible for one of the penises.  I posed with that drawing for a couple of the pictures.

Towards the end, Jodi asked me to show her how to delete some pictures, then took my iphone over to a couple of the girls and let them pick out any pictures that identified them personally.  They had professional jobs and didn't want their pictures to be used in any way that might compromise their standings - including blogs like this.  I'm actually surprised that I haven't encountered that response before, and I thought it was pretty cool that they had allowed the pictures to be taken in the first place and just arranged to remove the ones that would be potentially troublesome.

This also meant that there were two sets of group photos at the end.  Some with me, but minus the two professional girls and some with all of the girls.  There was a lot of jostling going on when I was posing with the girls, and it took me a moment to realise what was going on.  A couple of them were trying to press each others' hands against my bum.  Perhaps I should have been outraged.  I might pretend to be offended, next time something like that happens.