Pumpkinhead and the funky werewolf

I should have written this days ago.  Normally I'm a lot quicker at creating postings for my classes, but I've been busy this week.

It ran a lot more smoothly than the last two classes, though.  No absent tutors, no visits from the police and nothing going particularly wrong.  There was a moment when I got a 'phone call from Alison though, and I quietly panicked as I answered it - just five minutes before the class was due to start.  Turns out she'd gone to The Fiddler's Elbow, then realised her mistake just as she was getting onto Picardy Place.  She caught a taxi to The Standard and called to let me know she was on her way.  And, in fact, her timing was quite nice - she wasn't late at all.

This group was a lot of fun and relaxed into the concept right away.  Everybody knew what to expect before they arrived - nobody was being kept in the dark at all.  Which meant that I didn't have to hide and wait to be introduced.  I just stood in the room and waited for them to arrive.  Afterwards, Alison and I wondered whether the fact that they were prepared for nudity meant that they were able to relax and have fun, much more quickly than those groups who were surprised.  There were fewer apologies for "bad drawings" and they launched into the funny ones right away.  Some groups need to be coaxed into relaxing and finding the humour in what they're doing, because they're concerned about causing offence when I see what they've drawn.  This group seemed to realise right away that they could have all the fun they liked.

For the first pose, I had been asked to "look hunky", but I told the girls that I'd never managed to look hunky in my life.  Someone immediately countered that with "look funky, then", so I said I could do that - and struck a funky pose.  Or a stupid pose.  Or a funny pose.  It all depends on your sense of humour.

When I looked at the drawings from that first pose, one of the pictures that stood out was one that made me think of An American werewolf in London - mid transformation.  Fair enough - it looked like a comparatively peaceful transformation and one that was limited the werewolf's face, while the rest of him looked (more or less) human.  But it was still enough for me to call it "The funky werewolf".  To be honest, I might have also been influenced by an old cartoon called The groovy ghoulies when I came up with that name, although the name of the pose definitely contributed to it.  It may seem like I have some imagination of my own, but I really just steal liberally from other sources.

There was another theme to this class.  I completely missed it, but Alison commented - it was a sort of "animal prints" theme.  The girls were all wearing animal print clothes and for the second pose, they asked me to wear a scarf.  I struck an animal pose for it and initially faced the bride, but she asked me to turn away so she could do a profile instead - easier to draw.

This pose produced my favourite picture of the entire day - one that I called "Pumpkinhead".  That one was just far too cool for me to even think about discarding it and I fell in love with it instantly.  There was too much personality in the smile on that picture.  A sort of mischief, with a hint of something darker and perhaps a bit predatory.  It should have been drawn for Halloween.

(As a brief recap on my scoring system - a system that has been carefully developed over the past three years - I pick a winner from every pose and award that person three points. I set the winning pictures  aside, then pick out an overall winner from amongst those at the end of the class and award it a further five points.  Combine that with the fact that I arbitrarily award and deduct points from everyone else, depending on my mood and things they say or do.)

A fun pose was the one where one of the girls got onto a stool and I curled up on the floor at her feet and she rested her hand on my head, proprietorially.  I told the girls to think of Frank Frazetti's old fantasy art pictures (those ones where a Barbarian warrior has a naked girl clutching his leg) but to reverse the roles.  One of the girls drew her friend with huge breasts, so perhaps she had a fairly clear idea of what an Amazonian warrior woman should look like.  Not necessarily an accurate idea, but I couldn't fault her imagination.

Another girl used even more imagination and drew a Valkyrie warrior with a donkey - it looked like a donkey to me - at her feet.  She won that round.

These girls definitely had a good bit of imagination going on, though.  A candle was produced, wrapped in a sort of feather boa and immediately transformed into a sort of substitute, surrogate penis.  The girl who modelled it held it at a strategic height, while I knelt in front of it - thus extending the role reversal theme I had introduced in the previous pose.  This might be why it's hard for me to find other male models for these classes.  Someone less self-confident or with a less surreal sense of humour might feel a little emasculated on occasion.

The girl who won that particular competition carried on the substitute, surrogate penis theme when she stepped up to pose for photographs with me and with her picture.  She took the candle and held it just as strategically, while I held her picture up.  I was very careful not to nudge her hand.

The now-classic "Make a Giant Man" pose went as well as it always does.  The girls greeted it with enthusiasm and we took to the steps at the back of the room to try to put the picture together.  Then I lay on the floor and all the parts were set on top of me.

I didn't notice at first, until Alison pointed it out to me - but one of the girls, in yet another display of imagination, drew my hand, but turned every finger into a penis.  Another competition winner that immediately presented itself.

Right at the end, we returned to the steps for group pictures with all the girls.  Now, I tend to avoid including photographs in these postings that feature full-frontal nudity, because I like to keep a certain level of subtlety in here, but this time I couldn't resist it.  I really love this particular picture.  Partly because (and I might be flattering myself here) it looks like it's starting to hint at the return of my abs, which have been absent for a little while.  I don't know.  Could that just be my own imagination showing through?  I hope not.

Little pink boxes

When the second group of the day arrived, they all had little pink boxes with them and those immediately intrigued me.  I didn't ask about them right away, though.  I took up my usual hiding place and waited to be introduced.  In the absence of Jodi, I got the girl who had booked me to introduce me to her friends.

I walked in wearing a mask.  There seems to be a lot of that, just lately.  This time it was the mask of the bride's soon-to-be husband.  I didn't keep it on for long, though.  It was just a comedy touch for the introduction of the class.

While I was waiting for the girls to arrive, I could hear the previous group upstairs - still sounding loud and animated from their class.  It was great to be able to listen to them, even if they were too muffled to make out any words.  But I was a little concerned that the first group would say something that the second group would overhear - and thus spoil the surprise.  It was beyond my control, though, so I didn't let it worry me.

The second group was composed - barring one girl - almost entirely of medical professionals.  So there were jokes here and there about them being completely used to nudity and about how this was nothing new to them.  It made me wonder if there was anything particularly novel about hiring a naked man.  Like someone working at Starbucks going on a coffee tasting tour or something.  It was a bad comparison, though - and I couldn't think of a better one, so I never tried to voice it.  Anyway, anybody who works at Starbucks would probably be astonished and bewildered if they went on such a tour (if they even exist) and discovered what coffee isn't actually supposed to taste and smell of a cocktail of vaguely coffee flavoured chemicals.  I offer no apologies for throwing in a dig at Starbucks here, by the way.  They deserve it.

There was a third group of girls celebrating a hen night in the Standard, today.  They were completely unrelated to me, but three of them wandered past the barriers and walked down into our area.  I was standing in full view when one of them walked round the corner, looked right at me, looked shocked, walked away, then walked back again with her two friends.  They asked if I was part of the entertainment for their group later, so I think they might have been snooping about to get some clues about what to expect.

Anyway... back to my group.  Whether the girls were jaded or not by nudity, it didn't seem to affect their appreciation of the class.  But then, perhaps it's all in the context.  One of them said later, that she was astonished at how completely comfortable I was throughout.  Almost like I wasn't even aware that I was naked.  I have, in fact, become so used to this that I do genuinely forget about it for large chunks of each class.  It's just not something I'm consciously aware of the whole time and so I probably do act as naturally as most other people do when they're fully dressed.

One of the girls was handed a straw and challenged by her friends to demonstrate how to insert a catheter as part of a drawing pose.  There was a little debate about the best way to do this; she was told it was up to her, how intimate she was happy to get.  In the end, I lay down on the floor, while she knelt beside me and pressed the straw against my abdomen, then told me that was how far the catheter would reach.  Then she told me that it wouldn't be her job, anyway.  That was a bit shocking, though - much more internal than I would have suspected.  I had always assumed a catheter would only penetrate a very short way.

A really funny touch was the fact that from the moment I started writing up the girls' scores on the board, I was actually deducting points from them rather than adding them.  The bride asked for a rubber and a couple of her friends seized on the innuendo and heckled her for it. (Note for American readers - in the UK, an eraser is called a rubber).  I wrote her name on the board and deducted one point for "being predictable".  She protested that she hadn't meant to be funny - she had genuinely been requesting a rubber.  So I deducted another point for "being gullible".  This put her at minus two points - and one of the girls got a point deducted very quickly as well, which put her at minus one point before I'd even chosen a winner for the first competition and actually given anyone any points.

About halfway through the class, one of the girls requested a break so they could get more drinks in and during the lull, I asked one of them about the pink boxes.  She opened hers and started fishing things out to show me.  A vajazzle kit which consisted of a couple of glittery stickers.  A couple of pink, fluffy things on sticks which completely bewildered me.  A little card with scratch-off dares on it. And that last one intrigued me.  I dared her to reveal her dare.  It said she had to ask a man for his 'phone number, then refuse to take it.  So she asked me to offer her a business card, then when I held it out to her, she turned it down.  I got the impression that she was a little disappointed at how mundane it was, but I couldn't be sure.

But that got me interested in the other dares, so I awarded her an extra point for doing the dare - then announced to the rest of the room that anyone who revealed and fulfilled their dares would be given a bonus point.  One girl had to dance badly and act drunk.  One girl had to slap the back of the loudest man in the room (which had to be me) and then toast him.  And a couple of the others apparently had dares that couldn't be fulfilled right there.

Just after the final pose, one of the barmen came downstairs and caught my attention.  We had overrun by a little while and there was another group waiting to use the room.  I felt bad about that, because it meant we had to wrap this class up a little abruptly, but we still made time to take a couple of group photographs - employing the barman, since I didn't have the assistance of a tutor.  Then I got dressed, while the girls were still milling around, which is something I hate to do, because it sort of disrupts the "continuity" of the event.  I don't like them to see me dressed in my everyday clothes, while we're still in the place where the class was held.  For some reason, it doesn't matter so much in a different part of the pub or in another room and I'm really not sure I can explain the logic of that.

One of the girls offered to buy me a drink again, and this time - since the class was over - I accepted and asked for a Peroni.  Then, once I'd finished packing everything, I went upstairs (passing a man in  a kilt on the way up) into the bar and joined the girls.  I was able to wind down the class and conclude it up there, by producing the feedback book and some coloured chalk and passing it round.

I noticed that someone was looking at me a lot and muttering something to her friends, so I wandered over to speak to her.  She asked me if I was "the man she had seen earlier" and that's when I realised that these were the girls who had wandered into our class as it was starting.  She seemed disappointed that I wasn't part of her class, so I gave her one of my cards and told her to keep me in mind for any future events.

When I left the Standard, I suddenly felt exhausted.  I had felt completely fresh and lively during the classes and when I was talking to the girls afterward, but as I was walking back towards Princes Street, the case with the sketchpads suddenly felt intensely heavy and I felt very sluggish.  I was still on a high from having gone through two successful classes, but - without the help of Alison or Jodi - they had definitely taken a bit of a toll.  But it was a good day and I really enjoyed it.

Update: I eventually found out what happened with Jodi.  There had been a mix-up with the bookings. Alison had offered the tutoring job to Jodi, she had accepted, then later something else had come up.  Alison was going to offer it to a different tutor instead, but somehow things got a bit messed up after that and she forgot to tell me.  Normally, any mistakes are my fault and a result of my general state of confusion (I'm creative - not organised) so this is a bit of a novelty.  It was also a relief that there wasn't a more serious reason for Jodi's absence.

Fifty shades

My scheduled tutor didn't turn up this afternoon.  I tried calling her, I left a message on her answering machine and sent a couple of texts - but never heard back from her at all.  It's left me with a bit of a dilemma.  She's a good tutor and I want to keep hiring her, but I really don't like being let down like that at all.  It's also got me a bit concerned.  Since I haven't heard from her at all, and since I don't think she'll have simply forgotten about the classes, I can't help wondering why she didn't turn up.

However... despite that the event went well.  I'm perfectly capable of delivering a class on my own, even if I prefer to have a tutor to work with.  So when the girls arrived, I just explained that Jodi was absent and we launched into the class.

I've done a class with some of this group before - last year, sometime.  Some of them were in a group that had hired me a year ago, and it seemed that I had been popular enough to merit a repeat booking.  And they took some of my brand new, redesigned business cards, and promised to book me again for another wedding next year.  It seems they're already planning the next one.

While I was in the first pose, I started to notice the t-shirts the girls were all wearing.  One had the words "submissive in training" and another said something about preferring vanilla.  They were all carrying canes and floggers and various dominatrix accoutrements.  And they were all - for some reason - wearing ties.

I'm not sure what the relevance of the ties was, but I might find out when I read the book they took their inspiration from.  All but one of them had read Fifty shades of grey - a book that, apparently, is very popular at the moment.  I've heard about it, but all I knew was that it was an erotic novel.  More specifically, however, it's an erotic novel with BDSM themes going on.  They recommended it to me wholeheartedly, so I should track it down and read it.  And perhaps find out what the ties are all about, in the process.

I was asked to wear one of the ties for one of the poses, and one of the girls gave hers to me.  It's been years since I last wore one, so I thought I might mess it up, but it came back to me easily.  I had the knot half done, when one of the girls told me that they didn't want me to tie it round my neck.  I couldn't think where else to tie it, though - and no suggestions were volunteered - so I left it round my neck.  And I kept it on for the rest of that class.  At the end of the class, I was told I could keep it, so I'll leave it in my case to use as a potential prop for future classes.  I love it when I get a souvenir like that.

(A little note to anyone else who books me in the future - presents are always welcome.)

I was also given a riding crop to pose with.  I was really, really hoping I would be given that too, and even threatened to steal it from the girls.  I didn't do that, though.  Deep down, even though I try to be dishonest, there seems to be a fundamental, basic part of me that has to "do the right thing".  Fair enough - I have a skewed perspective on what the right thing is, sometimes.  But it apparently doesn't extend to stealing riding crops.

It was fun to pose with, though.  Not even in a particularly dominant kind of way (not all the time, at least).  But when I was picking out the favourite pictures from every pose, I found that I was using the crop to gesture with a lot.  It was fun.

There was a challenge delivered at one point.  I had to identify the two medical professionals within the group.  But one of the professionals immediately said something that identified herself.  And the girl who delivered the challenge made a sort of vague gesture as she was speaking, which pointed in the general direction of the other professional.  And when I looked in that direction, one of the four girls she gestured towards was trying not to smile.  I felt ridiculously pleased with myself.  It was hardly Columbo, after all.

That same girl won one of the drawing competitions.  The tie I was wearing came out looking like a stethoscope and the riding crop I was holding looked vaguely medical and vaguely threatening.  At least, it did to me.  I couldn't help liking it.

Another picture looked even more threatening.  I was supposed to wield the riding crop like I was whipping one of the girls, while she knelt in front of me - blindfolded and with her hands tied behind her back.  Those ties make for very versatile props.  I don't think it was meant to look quite as brutal as it did, though.  Still... the girl was smiling, so it's simply not possible for it to look too scary. 

Today, for the first time in a long time, I introduced prizes to the competition.  A couple of months ago, I printed up three sets of greeting cards and I offered a choice of them to the girl who won the competition.  Then someone suggested that perhaps the bride deserved one as well, and I couldn't argue with that logic.  A couple of minutes after they had gone, though, I noticed that they'd left one of the cards, so I threw on some clothes and ran upstairs to catch up with them.  There was a policewoman standing at the bar.  Apparently, someone walking along Howe Street, had looked down and through the window of the room we were in, taken offence at what they'd seen and called the police.  She had come into the pub and asked at the bar if there was "a naked man wearing a tie" on the premises.  Now... technically there's a bit of a contradiction there... but I suspect that's a bit of logic that won't impress anyone.  So now the window looking in on the Standard is freshly decorated with a black bin bag.

One of the barmen later told me that there had been a complaint about "a naked man brandishing an offensive weapon".  I was shocked and actually - thinking about the riding crop I'd been waving around - believed him.  He was just joking, though - the only thing that had been a problem at all was the nudity.

When the group had gone, I tried again to call Jodi.  I hoped she would at least be able to get here in time for the next class.  Still no response, though.