A big boy's pistol

I've been keeping a video diary, lately.  Just filming things at random, editing them down, adding music and then "stitching" them together to create a sort of "snapshot" of a period of time.  For anyone interested, this is the part of the diary that relates to this specific art class.  The full video - with better picture quality - can be seen here, if anyone is interested.

The timing is a bit off, but I tried to line up a lyric from the song with a scene on the video.  It never really worked, though.  The song is called The gutterati and it's by The Fratellis.  This is an acoustic version, and it can be found on the Little noise sessions album.  The line is "I may not have a big boy's pistol, but I'll help you any way I can."

This class was held in Inverness.  I had a bit of a struggle finding a venue at first, but then I remembered a class I held last year, at the Beauforth Hotel.  That was a very fun class, with some really nice girls, so I was hoping that a return to the same venue would bring about an equally fun class.  An unscientific approach, but it still worked.

I took the train to this event.  Normally I take the bus, but this time I left it too late to book a ticket, so lost my chance.  But it's a nice journey - up through Aviemore and Pitlochry.  Always very picturesque.

And it was a beautiful day.  Nice and bright and sunny.  I filmed a lot of the scenery from the train window and incorporated a fair amount of that into the video diary, too.  All of which made me feel less disappointed that the finest day of the year - so far - was largely spent on a train.  If it had been at all possible - if we'd had access to a remote, private venue, for example - I would have definitely suggested we hold the class outside in the fresh air.

The room we were given had two big windows.  One of them overlooked the car park and the main road running past the hotel. It was only a first floor window, so people walking past would have been able to see into the room quite clearly.  It wasn't an issue when I was first preparing the room, because I was able to stay just out of sight of the street, but eventually I knew that once the class was running it was going to be a distraction.  I was always going to have to keep it in mind and make sure I wasn't inadvertently creating a show for a less receptive audience.  It was a bay window, though, so I was able to pull the front set of curtains closed and leave the sides of the bay open to let a decent amount of natural light in.  The other window was on the other side of the room, so I didn't need to close those curtains at all.  I just arranged the chairs so that I had no need to walk over there.

I introduced a new feature to this class.  An attempt to find out a bit more about what the girls actually anticipated, so I could tailor my approach to them a bit more efficiently.  And also an attempt to recycle those sheets of paper that had become scruffy and couldn't be used for future classes.  I tore the sheets into strips, then distributed them among the girls, and told them they could write any thoughts or suggestions down.  I said that I'd do the first couple of poses and drawing challenges, then I'd read out what they'd written and hopefully incorporate some of the thoughts into the routine.

It was only a partial success.  In the end, I had to threaten to start deducting points from anyone who didn't write anything.  It wasn't even an idle threat - I do like to deduct points for various random reasons.

It was definitely another fun class, despite that.  And I'm sure the lack of success with the suggestions element was down to my own clumsiness in describing what I had in mind.  I'll try it again, with my next couple of classes, just to see if it continues to fail, and then I'll ever improve it or discard the format.

I did a couple of poses using the girls as models, this time.  We were in no real hurry to conclude the class, because my return train wasn't due until 5:30 PM, so I had plenty of time.  The downside to this is that as the class proceeds, I can start running out of ideas for the challenges, and sometimes end up recycling a couple of them.  This time, I picked one of the more vocal girls towards the end and returned to the extra model idea.  The ideas did continue to feel fresh, though, even with the slight element of repetition.  I feel that the creativity doesn't rely so much with the type of pose, but more with how it's carried out or interpreted.

Towards the end of the class, one of the girls had to do something at the bay window - I can't remember what - and I didn't pay too much attention to what she was doing.  About five minutes later, I looked round and realised that the curtains were suddenly wide open and I was in full view of Culduthel Street.  Thankfully, there weren't any shocked and scandalised people standing around and getting offended, but it still gave me a bit of a jolt.  I can't help wondering whether the girl opened the curtain deliberately as a practical joke.  I don't blame her, if she did.  Under different circumstances, I might have done something similar, myself.

I was exhausted by the time I got back to Edinburgh.  But it was another good day and it's always fun to get out of the city.

Captain Two Swords

The first class at The Standard this year.  But it's not called The Standard any more - it's called Mother's.

The place has been refurbished, but it's still recognisably the same old place.  Still got the same charm and the same personality.  Different name, but the identity's the same.

I had a new temporary tutor for this class.  Amaundine - a French girl came along and helped out.  She did a bit of drawing of her own, but I didn't let her participate in the competition.  I still accused her of cheating, though, when she misinterpreted the rules of one of the challenges and didn't draw in straight lines.

Some of the girls were running a little late for this event, so the beginning was very slightly awkward.  A few of them were sitting and chatting among themselves, while a couple of them were getting drinks at the bar and trying to find out where the latecomers were.

I spoke to the girl who had booked me, though, and she told me that everybody knew what was happening, so there were no surprises in store.  Given the circumstances, this made everything a bit easier.  It meant that I could relax and not have to worry about inadvertently spoiling anything.

I was still unsure of where to pitch the showmanship, though - for lack of a better term.  I didn't want to start the event before everybody was present or before the first girls were ready to get started.  But I did feel like I should be at least a little bit active.  Engaging with them, somehow.  As opposed to looking bored or ill at ease.  After a moment's thought, I produced the books of drawings that had been left over from previous classes.  I had salvaged a lot of pictures that had been left over, photocopied them and bound them together to serve as an example of the kind of thing that other girls had done.

Once the two girls returned from the bar, they told me that their friends - the four who were running late - had just told them to get started.  By this time, we were running nearly half an hour late.  I asked if they had any pressing need to go anywhere after the class had concluded, then told them that Amaundine and I were in no hurry to move on, either.  So we could relax and make up time at the end.  Then we kicked in and got on with the show.

It's a good job I'm not a slave to the rules of these classes.  I always feel that improvisation is an important element, so if there's a good enough reason to shake things up, then I'll go for it.  One of the girls spotted the bag of props I took along and wanted to use one of them for the second challenge.  I normally don't introduce those until the third challenge - which is generally when I start asking for volunteers from the crowd to pose with me.

This time, though, the blindfold was utilised and when I was looking at the pictures, I was quite taken with the one with the very red lips.  Someone said it reminded her of Eddie Izzard.  I've never looked like him before, but I liked the comparison.

So in the end, the third challenge didn't really use any of my props.  But one of my favourite drawings of the entire day came from that one.  It made me think of 1950's American sitcoms - although one of the girls compared it to a character from a Disney film.  Of course, the presence of a naked man destroys the logic in both circumstances, but apart from that, the comparison is definitely an accurate one.

This was the first of the two drawing challenges using a volunteer model from the girls.  Her friend posed us together and told us to look like we were dancing.  I can only hope the look of delight on her face isn't entirely down to the artist's imagination - that would definitely flatter the ego.

It wasn't until the fourth challenge that I really felt like I was on top form, though.  Sometimes the girls can take a little while to fully settle into the concept and start enjoying themselves, and this is the one where the laughter and innuendo really started to kick in more freely.  We used another girl from the group as a model and her scarf was improvised as a prop.  The idea was that she was catching me and I was fighting her.  I think there was definitely a sense of conflict in the winning picture, this time.

It got very hard to choose winning pictures from a couple of the challenges.  The straight lines challenge produced a few truly great ones - even if Amaundine didn't follow the rules properly.  Ultimately, the best one was definitely the red one.  Both that one - and the runner-up - had a slightly shy look that I really liked.

Even then, though, there was a third one that was definitely worth a mention and that one didn't look even remotely shy.  I couldn't help commenting that the penis looked a lot like a sword and one of the girls called it "Captain Sword".  I said it was a pity there wasn't another penis, because then it could have been "Captain Two Swords".  Sometimes puns don't go down too well, and the groans told their own story when I came out with that one.  I tried protesting that it might have lacked wit, but at least it had some spontaneity, but that cut no ice at all.

And there was still a fourth picture from that challenge, that I thought was worth a mention.  In fact, it reminded me of a similar picture from a different class I held in August of 2013.  Four winning pictures from one single challenge would have been too much, though - especially since there are only three points at stake each time.  Not that I have any problem with breaking my own rules.  But in the end, it had to be the red picture.

So... from being slightly reserved group and gradually transforming into a bunch of girls who were fully engaged and completely enjoying themselves - this turned into one of my more ego boosting classes.  I loved that I was able to get them to relax and have so much fun.

And, of course, there was still room for a picture that has become something of a tradition at these events.

A lovingly drawn penis

My first class at the Tron Tavern.  It's very central - on Hunter Square.  And it was very hard to find a venue that could take a large class at this time of year.  This one worked, because it had three floors.

In fact, I wasn't aware of the third floor until I arrived for the class.  I had seen the ground floor and the basement, and when I had hired the venue I thought it was the basement I was getting to use.  I had no idea there was a sub-basement until I got there on the day and was led one floor lower than I anticipated.

There were lots of tables and chairs to move around, so it's a good job I arrived in plenty of time.  And it was a further bonus that I got the time wrong and arrived a full hour earlier than I intended, because that gave me extra time to tweak the layout.  There were spotlights that could be adjusted, so I spent ages working out the perfect angle for them.  Getting them to highlight the relevant area, without blinding either myself or my audience.

A further challenge was working out how to position the chairs without the various pillars and columns creating blind spots for the girls.  There's a lot to think about at these events.

Now, it's no surprise to find out that some of my favourite pictures in these classes are the penis ones. I'm shallow enough to be entertained by them and I like the sense of fun when they're produced.  It shows that the girls are really relaxing into the concept and are starting to enjoy themselves.  It also gives me the opportunity to make jokes about my own fragile ego, when someone is clearly flattering the dimensions.

But this time... this particular one was lovingly drawn and detailed and has, as a result, quite possibly become my favourite penis picture so far.  I genuinely do love this one a lot.  And I really wish I could have kept it as a souvenir.

It even seemed to capture a bit of the waxing I had endure a week earlier, in anticipation of this class. And that's a bit of personal grooming that needs some forward planning.  A week is perfect.  Much less than that, and there's too much potential for some unsightly blotchiness.  And given the amount of detail in this picture, it's entirely possible that the blotchiness would have been included, had it been present.

Another favourite was what appeared to be a very cold and nervous man.  Neither of these are characteristics that are generally associated with me at these events.  I'll always pull back the waistband of my boxers (or whatever I happen to be wearing just before the big reveal), look sorrowfully inside, comment on the temperature and make a brief plea for understanding.  It's a tired gag for anybody I happen to be working with, if they've heard it at every other class I've ever done with them, but it does generally get a few indulgent laughs from the girls.

But this picture definitely doesn't look like me.  It's so far from my personality and general posture at one of these events, that it had to win that particular drawing challenge due to its sheer contrariness.  I couldn't help nominating it.  I also really liked the one that somehow made me think of all those old black-and-white, very worthy, stiff-upper-lip British dramas that feature doomed romances.  Just with... you know... the occasional naked man to spice up the plot a bit.

It was a great class.  Apart from a minor mishap involving a ruler, I managed to maintain my usual professional standards throughout.  And I managed to avoid causing offence when the standards slipped slightly.  It might be my natural grace and charm that allow me to handle such moments with aplomb.  Except I don't actually have any grace or charm.  Or aplomb (whatever that is).  So there must be something else.

As usual, the "Make A Giant Man" pose was the highlight of the class.  And as is generally the case, when the girls get to choose what they contribute to such a picture, they tend to favour one particular body part.  And flatter is - invariably - a consequence of these moments.

Another of my favourite pictures was the "Goat Man" picture which I thought had to be a first.  I was clean shaven and didn't have anything that even remotely resembled a beard, but this one still had me looking slightly goat like.  The fact that he seems slightly erect is also a source of amusement to me, but as I hinted at earlier, my sense of humour is definitely a bit puerile.

The girls left me with most of the pictures at the end of the class, which was really cool.  I'll get them photocopied sooner or later, then I'll bind them into a couple of new books to show round future classes.  They took away the winning pictures, which was disappointing, of course, because those were - by definition - my absolute favourites.  But it was still really cool to get all of the others.

The force is not strong

Third class of the year and third new venue of the year.  This time, the class was held at Sofi's Bar.  And it was the most fun I've had in a long time.

The day didn't start off too well.  I woke with a horrible migraine, and was really worried that I might have some genuine difficulty doing the class, but couldn't get anyone to fill in for me at short notice.  It didn't help that the client had changed the time pretty late in the day, which had knocked the schedule off.  The previous model had been cool with the original time, but just couldn't accommodate the update.

In the end, though, the later time worked in my favour.  Because with the extra couple of hours rest, and with the aid of painkillers, I was - ultimately - completely fine.  In fact, on more than one occasion, I was the very picture of good health.  Absolutely glowing with it.

Sofi's Bar is down near the foot of Leith Walk and is a really cool little place.  If I lived down there, it would definitely be my local - no doubt about it.  The back room where the class was held was very snug, but had a lot of character.  There were candles in there as well, and someone had thoughtfully turned on the radiator - no doubt for the benefit of the nude model.  It was too hot, though, so I turned it off and opened the window.

When the girls arrived, it took a while to get started.  The air of chaos was prolonged, but good natured.    Everybody seemed absolutely delighted to see each other, which was cool.  The smaller classes are always the best, because they seem to be full of friends who like each other a lot.  I've noticed that in the larger ones, there are often animosities, rivalries and cliques that have to be noted, if an event is to run smoothly.

The girl who hired me had a beautiful tattoo on her back.  I absolutely fell in love with it.  And she had gone to a lot of trouble for the bride.  She had created name rosettes for everybody and she had provided little gift boxes with dares and shots and novelties inside.  I'd seen something like this before and I had provided incentives as a result - anyone who fulfils their dare during the class will get extra bonus points as a result.

It took a while to get everyone seated and get the class started, and everything was cool.  I went through the usual routine of donating points for good drawings and subtracting them for various imaginary slights.  I tried to kick off by subtracting points before I'd even donated a single one, but failed miserable.  Most of the girls were wearing tartan, so the ploy was to penalise anyone who hadn't followed the theme.  But they pointed out that they were all wearing tartan in some form or another.  So no point reduction.

The girl who ultimately won the competition pointed out that she'd won it through technicalities.  She said there had been no artistic merit at all.  I can't remember if she'd won any of the challenges, but I know that at one point, she wrote something on her sketchpad and showed it to someone on the other side of the room.  I asked her to share her secret message with the rest of the class, but she refused.  I bribed her with three bonus points and she held it up for me.

"The force is not strong with him."

I'm guessing that I missed something, somewhere.  A gag at my expense, or something like that.  Not surprising - the aftermath of a migraine often makes my head a bit fuzzy and I won't pick up on some things that are obvious to everyone else.  She certainly wouldn't be the first person to make such an observation, anyway.

Before the class was finished, I gave someone else a bonus point for fulfilling a dare.  It was"kissing a man with a moustache" - which essentially meant she kissed me, while I used a bit of charcoal as a fake moustache.  I gave another girl a bonus point for kissing all her friends.  Most of the other dares weren't achievable in that environment, though.

A final touch… one of the girls told me she had to persuade a man to give her an item of his clothing.  I offered her my boxers.  It was the only article I could realistically give away, since I still had to go all the way back to Gorgie.

All in all… it was a very fun class. The most fun I've ever had with a migraine.

Venue hassles

The bus got into Edinburgh with less than ten minutes before the class started and I took off running.  I was on St Andrew Square at 5:54 and pelting towards the Rabbie Burns Whisky and Wine Bar, but the whole time I was taking comfort in the fact that at least Qba would surely be showing some initiative.  I hadn't been able to raise him since Xan had cancelled, but I had planned ahead and delivered all the necessary equipment to the venue, so all he would have to do was set out the sketchpads and the charcoal.

The next jolt I had was just as I was crossing North Bridge.  A text from the manager of the Rabbie Burns - nobody had turned up.  At all.  Not Xan (obviously) but also not Qba, nor any of the girls.

I turned onto the Royal Mile and kept running.  I was at the Rabbie Burns about a minute later.  I went straight downstairs and started setting up.

With Xan's cancellation, I had been ready to step in and be the tutor for the class.  If Qba didn't turn up, it looked like I would also have to be ready to be the model.  This would have been fine - I've been both model and tutor for a lot of classes before now, anyway.  And I'd appointed both Xan and Qba, because of the potential time restrictions involved in getting from Glasgow to Edinburgh - restrictions that no longer applied.  So I would have had no problem with that.  But then, just as I had almost finished setting up, Qba arrived.  And then I got a 'phone call from the girls.

They were on Cockburn Street and couldn't find the Rabbie Burns, so had called up looking for directions.

This was a surprise.  I had originally planned on holding their class in the offices of Crew 2000 - a place I do some voluntary work a couple of times a week.  But for a couple of reasons, I'd had to change that, so had found the Rabbie Burns instead.  It seemed that the agency had given the girls the updated venue name, but not the updated venue details or address.  So they were looking for the Rabbie Burns in the wrong part of town.

That could have been disastrous, but Cockburn Street was just a few minutes away.  I asked Qba to finish setting up the room and I went out to meet the girls, then lead them to the proper place.  They were very nice about it.  Exceptionally nice, in fact, given the circumstances.  And when I found out that another vital piece of information hadn't been passed on to them, I really started to squirm because I had to give them another bit of bad news.

The offices of Crew 2000 didn't have a bar, so if the class had been held there, they would have to buy their own drinks.  While in the Rabbie Burns, they would have to buy drinks from the premises.  But, of course, if they didn't have the updated address, they also didn't have the updated information about drinks.  So they were carrying wine and gin all sorts of other things with them.  Again, though, they handled the fresh information well, although I wouldn't have been remotely surprised if a couple of them hadn't started to grind their teeth a bit, at this point.

We got back to the Rabbie Burns and I went downstairs to check on Qba's progress.  And then, eventually, we started the class.

In the end, we were only about fifteen minutes behind schedule and I made sure that was made up at the end.  And the class went really well.  For the first time, I found myself as the tutor while I set up poses with a male model.  And rather than being awkward or clumsy, I found it an easy transition to make.  All the jokes and comments I usually make about pictures were simply directed at Qba, rather than at myself.  It was easy.

When the class was done, Qba got dressed and headed off, while I tidied up and talked to the girls a bit.  And I realised they were trying to decide what to do with the wine and the drinks they had brought with them.  They wanted to go out drinking, but didn't want to carry all the stuff with them, and their residence was too far away.  I felt like this was my opportunity to set a couple of things right, so I offered to take it to their hotel for them and leave it there.

That didn't work, though.  They were staying in a private residence, rather than a hotel.  Someone suggested giving me the key to their residence, so I could put the drinks inside, then post the key back through the letterbox, but that was too much for me.  I stepped in and told them that I would really rather not take their key.  It was too much responsibility.

In the end, they came to a new conclusion - they gave it all to me.  Most of the white wine was gone, but the red wine was still completely untouched.  And there was a little bit of gin and some tonic left over, as well.  It was a really nice gesture.  And that, as much as anything else, made me realise that they had no genuine animosity about the way things had gone.

It was a great conclusion to a stressful, but ultimately successful day.

Ragna's first class

What should have been an easy, relaxing class, turned into something a little more stressful, when I got a text from Xan, just before 11AM.  I had two classes that day.  One at 3PM in Glasgow, and one at 6PM in Edinburgh.  I had arranged for Qba and Xan to cover the Edinburgh one - this would have been her second event.  And I was going to do the Glasgow one with Ragna.

Xan's text opened with the word "PANIC!!!"  I haven't added any of the exclamation marks or capital letters - those are all hers.  It went on to say that her boss required her to stay late at work, because she had to interpret for a visiting client.  She was the only person able to speak Mandarin.

So, all my carefully set plans suddenly fell apart.  I had to be present for the Edinburgh class, as well.  And there was no guarantee that I would be able to finish the Glasgow one and make my way to Edinburgh quickly enough to start it on time.

I ran through the times in my head.  Do this class.  Keep to the schedule, get tidied up by 4:30, take off for the bus station, get into Edinburgh and run for the venue.  It was possible.  And there was nothing I could do about it now, so I might as well just relax into it.

I held this one at the Piper Bar, just off George Square - so pretty close to Glasgow's bus station, which was a bonus.  I set up in one corner of the upstairs bar, where I thought the lighting would be good.  Overlooking George Square.  I was anticipating six girls for this one, but in the end, there were only four.  I felt very bad about that, because they had to pay for a minimum of eight participants, so they actually paid twice the usual price.  But they were very nice and pleasant - and working with four girls meant that it felt a bit more intimate than usual.

Ragna arrived, while I was still setting up the room.  She had been a Couchsurfing guest of mine a couple of years earlier, and it had been fun catching up with her again, while she was back in the UK.  I think she was a little nervous about her role, but she was great at it.  She had a lot of questions about protocol and etiquette and I felt bad that I didn't have a lot of proper answers for her.  A huge amount  of the classes are about spontaneity and flexibility, rather than having a precise plan.  I could only tell her that when we got a chance to speak to the girl who had booked us, we would have a much clearer plan.  I think she wasn't keen on how vague that sounded, so she pressed me for a default option that she could fall back on, so I did my best to provide one.  I was actually very pleased that she was taking it so seriously.

One of them texted us when they arrived, so I sent Ragna down to meet her and bring them upstairs. And  once it all kicked off, she was great.  Completely relaxed and very friendly with the girls.  And she was able to follow the general banter pretty well - it seemed to me that we had a very good working relationship.

As usual, all the worries and concerns about timing and schedules and the potential for the next event to run badly… all that faded away, when this class started.  I got into the routine and enjoyed myself, setting up the challenges and talking to the girls.  It was all fun.  It was great to get back into the swing of it, after the winter break.

When the class was done and we had waved the girls off, I was able to tidy everything up and pack it away in record time.  Ragna and I walked up towards the bus station and separated on the other side of George Square.  I caught the very next bus back to Edinburgh.

QI

The Register of Artist's Models featured on a recent episode of QI.  Watch it here…