Applicants

Sometimes this business can be a bit of a trial. Like those occasions, where I need to recruit new staff for the jobs. I recently posted a couple of ads in different places for people to cover for me. I want younger, fitter models to do the jobs wherever possible. I can still do them myself, but I know that there are far better looking guys than me out there.

Right now, I'm sitting in a  coffee shop in Glasgow, waiting for a prospective model to turn up.  So far, he's about five minutes late.  Not too bad, but a bit frustrating, since he suggested this particular place, so he clearly knows how to find it.

Anyway, someone recently got in touch. He lives in Fife and he's called Sid. He 'phones me up and almost immediately there were alarm bells ringing. I know I've made the CFNM reference frequently, when I describe the business, but that's like a sort of shorthand - it lets people know what kind of thing to anticipate, if they're familiar with the initials. It's also a bit of a warning, because when a male applicant makes a reference to CFNM in the opening lines of the 'phone call, I can't help wondering whether if it's just an opportunity to indulge their kinks. It's cool if there's an element of that, so long as there's a sense of perspective involved. The job is about entertaining the clients, primarily, and it wouldn't take much - just one guy who's too keen on flaunting his "charms" - to give the business a very unsavoury reputation.

I asked Sid how old he was. Mid forties. Which means he's older than me and I'm trying to recruit models who are specifically younger than me. So I start to politely turn him down, but before I can even get halfway through the sentence, before he's interrupting and protesting that he looks much younger. He is, apparently, frequently told that he can pass for early thirties.

So I relented. It couldn't hurt to at least take at some pictures and then decide if it was worth meeting him to verify that the pictures were an accurate representation and to see if my initial impression had been a bit harsh. The pictures arrived very quickly, with a message.

Hi there, we spoke earlier today about myself doing modelling work, please find attached some pictures of myself as requested. I look forward to talking to you soon and starting some work very soon also.

I prefer honesty and told you my true age but everyone says I only look 30 and I workout everyday and have a great physique too as I train to look good naked.

Many Thanks

In the pictures, I saw someone who was a bit overweight, looked a bit rough and could easily pass for someone in his mid forties, but if you looked with a very charitable eye, you might actually concede that late forties would be more accurate. Now, these events aren't proper art classes, where anyone - regardless of age and appearance - can be a model. They're parties and hen nights and social events, where the drawing is a bit of a laugh and the girls want to see someone young and good looking. I know that's common knowledge, but it's worth repeating.

So I sent Sid a message - diplomatically phrased.

Hello, Sid

Thanks for your email, but I don't think you're going to be suitable for our art classes. I'm not sure how to be diplomatic about it. We really need people who have a very specific look and you don't fit our requirements.

Thanks for getting in touch.

Graham

I don't want to say "you're old, you're fat, you look a bit creepy, you sound a bit sleazy and you're giving off very bad vibes," because I'm reliably informed that that's the sort of thing that can offend people. So I figured I'd keep it vague and non-specific. Generally just waffle the kind of shite that means nothing at all, but which can't be argued with. I thought that would be the end of it.

But there was another response...

Thanks for the reply Graham, I do no t mind straight talk and will not be offended and also wanted to let you know that in haste and to get pics to you quickly I downloaded my pics from my facebook and thus they appear as they do, little show offy as they are all from parties or nights out etc, I really do feel a face to face meet would let you see the real me and I also was more interested in the cfnm parties and naked butler service etc even if you still feel I am not suitable for the art classes.

But may I ask what you meant by specific look? I have done naked art posing before in local colleges etc, so I know I can do this work and I am also not shy of the raunchier stuff like parties/events and naked guy services if you are looking to expand your business.

Would love a face to face meeting or even a quick chat on the phone and you can ask me any questions if you have doubts in your mind.

Sid

By this point I'm getting mildly irritated. I'd already tried to brush him off, then I'd relented and let him send me pictures and I'd politely declined him, but he's starting to chip away at the reasons I'd given him. I really didn't want to be rude. But I couldn't figure out a way to answer him without either continuing to be vague (and possibly keeping the dialogue open if he still wanted specific answers) or just being completely blunt. I should have gone with bluntness. But instead, I chose to just not respond, in hopes that he'd go away. Yeah, a bit of a cowardly move, perhaps, but I thought it would work.

I also didn't like the reference to "raunchier stuff".  That really felt like he had misinterpreted the entire concept of my events, even though I'd gone to great pains to point out that they're a bit cheeky, but also very restrained.  The girls who hire me are generally the kind of girls who want to have a bit of a laugh, enjoy a bit off innuendo and maintain a sense of decorum.

Anyway, later, I posted more ads on other websites and got a bit of an enigmatic response from someone.

Still interested.

And there was a smiley face. Just to keep it all nice and friendly, I suppose.   I didn't recognise the name. But this particular site has profiles, so I looked up the smiley face guy, to see his profile, before I responded. There weren't any pictures of him, but I was curious. I must have interacted with him once before. Now, since I hadn't gone onto that site in some months, it sort of made sense to me that he must have made an application some months ago. It didn't occur to me that I might have spoken to him more recently, via an entirely different site.

So I replied to him.

Thanks for getting in touch.

I can't remember if we've spoken before, but you wrote "still interested" in response to my ad, which kind of suggests that you applied to be a model already. I'm not sure what became of that, but I've had a pretty chaotic time with the business. I'm starting to get on top of it now, though, so perhaps it's time for a meeting.

I have a job coming up in Dundee, soon. I may have already recruited a model for that one, though. It all depends on whether he accepts it.

Perhaps I could come up to Fife sometime soon to meet you?

I knew he was from Fife, because I had seen that in his profile. And yes, in hindsight, that was a bit of a warning sign. I really should have taken note of the location, but I wasn't paying attention to it. Anyway, his response - about an hour later...

Yes we spoke a while back, it's Sid if you remember me and I would love a meeting. Sounds like we should get together real soon.

And he adds another smiley face. But that's when I figured it out. Fucking Sid. There aren't a LOT of Sids out there. The words "a while back" are pretty misleading too. Like even at this stage, where he's letting me know who he really is, he's trying to suggest we spoke weeks or months ago, rather than just a few days back.   Anyway, it's possible that there are two Sids in Fife who both want to work for me as a nude model, so I figured I'd better be sure. I wrote back...

Am I talking to Sid ******?

The asterisks are his surname. Got to protect the identity of the guilty, I suppose. His response was brief.

Yeah.

By now, I'm really starting to get irritated.

I really don't know how to make this any clearer. It doesn't matter how interested you are; you're just not what I need for these classes. I've tried being polite, but I'm running out of diplomatic responses.

And the fucker still won't give up. He still has a response And he still has a protest some sort of misguided idea that if he can only persuade me to meet him or see the inner personality or something, then I might overlook the age and the fat and the lingering stench of desperation.

But you haven't been clear, and what look is required for nude work? You have not even met me yet.

And even as I was writing this posting, there was one final (I hope it's final) update. Yet another message from Sid just arrived.

Don't sweat it dude, you obviously don't like me as I know I can do the work. Maybe I should look at setting up my own company too.

So... maybe that's it finished. Unless he puts me out of business. That's always possible.

Decorum

I was very nervous about this class, in the couple of weeks running up to it.  It was a private residence, somewhere along Loch Lomond, and I didn't know exactly where.  I had the address and I found out the route, but I still wasn't sure about the precise location.  And none of the routefinder apps I used seemed able to tell me about any buses that went that way.

Down to the old fashioned approach.  I asked at the bus station, in person, where I found out that the bus to Oban went right past it.  It was between Luss and Tarbet, which was handy, too - always great to find out the local towns.  Then it can be as simple as go to the nearest town, settle down in a convenient hotel or restaurant, have a couple of coffees and kill some time, then walk to the venue or catch a taxi - depending on how close it is

That plan usually works.  Occasionally, it fails pretty badly.  Like the first class of this year, when I caught the bus to Aberargie, arrived at the local hotel and discovered it had closed down and I was trapped wandering about the local countryside in a persistent, miserable drizzle.

A few days before the day of the class, a friend and I drove out along Loch Lomond and we checked the area out.  I wanted to see the house itself, but we drove past it and I spotted a handy layby.  The perfect stopping place for the Oban bus, if the driver was feeling accommodating - and they usually are, if the stopping place is a safe one.  We carried on into Tarbet, where hotel was very convenient - and open for business, so I had that covered if the weather was nasty or the bus driver wasn't accommodating or the road wasn't safe.  Everything was cool.

A quick check of the bus schedules reassured me that if I left Edinburgh at 9AM, I'd get there a good two hours before the class was scheduled to start.  A comfortable margin for any potential disrupted schedules.  And so I was on my way.

And it all went very smoothly.  Even better than planned, in fact.  The girl who had booked me called me up while I was en route and offered to drive into Tarbet to pick me up.  So all I had to do was hang around the car park and wait.  And when she found out I was going to be arriving early, she was very happy to pick me up early.  She also told me that everyone knew what was going to be happening, so there was no need for subterfuge - no sneaking in the back door for this class.

There were a couple of fluctuations in the schedule after that, that I wasn't entirely clear about.  For a while, I thought I was being invited in to chill out until the class was due to start.  I said that if the schedule wasn't set in stone then I would be happy to start earlier than planned.  Then I found out that one of the girls wasn't due to arrive until later, so an early start would mean she was excluded.  Then, somehow, we ended up starting early anyway.  I got a little confused at that point, and eventually just figured that the girls had a clearer idea of what they wanted and the schedule they wanted to keep to, so I decided that I would fit in with their plan as best as I could.  I still felt bad for the late girl, though.

When we arrived at the house, I was shown to the room where the class would be held.  It was beautiful and only needed a couple of minor furniture adjustments to make it perfect for the class.  Before I got it ready, I took out the Mac and set up the slideshow videos I'd created, then took the Mac through to the kitchen where the girls were relaxing before the class started.  I told them that if they wanted, they could get a sneak preview of the event, then left the Mac with them and went back to finish getting the room ready.  I could hear the music starting up and shortly after that, I could hear them starting to laugh, so it seemed to go down well.

They were all dressed for the part - with berets and little twirly moustaches drawn onto their faces.  It looked pretty cool and it reminded me of a different class I held in Glasgow one time, where the girls had done something similar.

The pictures were great.  One of my favourites was a Superman picture, which was improvised because the pose changed.  I had started out with my arms in the air, but I pointed out that it would have to be a quick drawing, because I wouldn't be able to maintain that pose for long - so someone suggested I change the pose.  One of the girls had started drawing my arms in the original pose, but she changed them to a cape instead.

Another favourite was from a challenge I had been planning to introduce for some time, but had always forgotten about during the classes.  I asked how many right-handed girls there were, then told them to pick out a chunky bit of charcoal and draw with their left hands instead.  I need to do that challenge again, because it seemed to go down well.  One of the girls came out with a very shaky-looking picture, that I really liked.  Another favourite had me looking a bit like Gok Wan - although I didn't notice the similarity until a friend (the same one who went along Loch Lomond with me last week) pointed it out. I was gutted, because I like commenting on those similarities when I see them, during the classes.

Towards the end of the class, the late girl turned up.  I think she had a couple of children with her, so it might have been that she wasn't able to attend the class because of that.  She came into the room, though, and posed with me for a picture so she was at least able to participate a little bit.

Eventually, I wound up the class and was driven back to Tarbet.  And a couple of days later, I got in touch with my friend (yes, the same one again) and asked about her night out.  She'd been to a Butlers in the buff event and I was very curious about it.  Much, much rowdier than my classes.  And a lot more depravity.

I have decorum.