Funky Gee: Paddington Bear

I was in the shower on the morning of this class, when one of the girls called me up to make sure everything was cool with the booking. I hadn't anticipated the call at all, so was completely unprepared for it and must have sounded very unprofessional. I had to jump out the shower, grab a towel and dry off my ear before I answered the mobile - and then had to dredge up the basic details from memory, because I didn't have my notes in front of me. Just time and venue, luckily - which even my terrible memory was capable of recalling. But I must have sounded completely vacant and couldn't have inspired the girls with confidence. I did manage to categorically confirm that everything was on schedule, though.

Showered... shaved... dressed (temporarily, at least)... case packed and on my way. But the main problem with the Tron Tavern is that the classes are held in the basement. Not just the floor immediately below the ground floor - but a floor below that one. So... a sub-basement level. Which means there is virtually no 'phone reception. In fact, I was surprised when - halfway through this class - one of the girls got a text message. Some stray signal must have randomly found its way down all those steps and round all those corners.

Anyway, as always, I arrived early to give myself plenty of time to set up for the class. Then, when everything was prepared, I went back upstairs, stepped outside the pub and sat on Hunter Square to get a signal, then texted the group to let them know everything was prepared and ready for them. While I was sitting on the steps, looking over at the pub, I saw the girls arriving. It gives me no real advantage, but it's still fun to see them and maybe get an initial impression of the personalities.

Sometimes I get halfway through one of these classes and I already know which picture is going to be my ultimate favourite one. I still keep an open mind, because there might be another in the next drawing challenge that's even better, but I know it's going to have to go some way to beat the one I've already noted.

This time, the picture reminded me of a naked Paddington Bear. It's the hat that did it. Actually, it's only the hat. Absolutely nothing else makes me think of Paddington, but the hat pretty much covers it all.

The rest of the picture is pretty cool, too. I like the facial expression. And I kind of like the tie, too - even though it does remind me, very slightly, of a cravat. And let's face it... since the '60s, no straight man has ever worn a cravat without a sense of irony being involved.

The rest of the class was pretty cool, too. The girls really took to the concept straight away. I think it helps a lot, when there's no sense of surprise going on. It's fun to introduce the idea to the girls. Or to walk off-stage fully clothed, pretending to look for a prop, then walk back on again, completely naked and pretend there's nothing unusual. The play-acting is always fun.

But it's easier if they know what's going to happen, because they're already relaxing into the concept. They already know that their drawing skills aren't going to be great, so they're ready to be funny rather than accurate. If it's a surprise, I think the first couple of poses are difficult for the girls, because they haven't yet come to terms with the fact that artistic merit isn't a requirement.

These girls were going to a spa, after this class was done. I was very jealous. I really wanted to go along, too. I told them that I'd spent years being a massage therapist and had never once been to a spa. I'd kind of forgotten about a time in Baden Baden, though. I visited a spa there, once, and have wanted to go back ever since.

The third drawing challenge in most of my classes, these days, is the one where I ask for two volunteers and apply roles to them - of co-model and co-ordinator. This time I got three volunteers and two of them were co-models. So the co-ordinator posed us with my hands on the shoulders of one of them and with the other standing behind me - holding the Dalek, I think. I was blindfolded, so couldn't tell for sure. But going by one of the drawings, it looks like that's what she's holding.

I normally introduce the role-reversal concept during this pose. I tell my co-model that she can start plotting her revenge on the co-ordinator - especially if the pose is one of those slightly cruel ones. That wasn't an option this time, though, because the co-ordinator definitely did not want to be a co-model. The girls were mostly professionals who had careers that could potentially be damaged if any of the pictures became public, so they were being careful about what they volunteered for.

After that, I was asked to do a lying down pose. I was cool with that, although it was a tiled - and cold - floor that I would have been lying on, which would have required a bit of recovery time. A shock of cold until my body heat warmed up the floor. I was prepared for it, but then one of the girls suggested I line up some stools and lie across them. She got a bonus point for that. And that pose gave me my biggest problem in picking a winner for the challenge. There were three truly great pictures that time, so I named them all and put them to the applause-o-meter.

I called them "Gummy", "Flattery" and "Creepy, freaky corpse-faced guy". Or something along those lines. I can't remember the exact names.

At my last event - in Inverness a couple of weeks ago - I introduced a new concept to the classes. I passed round torn-up sheets of paper and got the girls to make suggestions for the kind of content they hoped for in the class. Anonymous suggestions, things like that. One of them wrote this -

It was a request I've never had before, so I went for it. And once again, the winner of that challenge managed to achieve her victory through flattery. It's amazing how far girls can get, if they just exaggerate the size of a man's penis.

One of the girls left the room at this point. We were just building up to the Make-A-Giant-Man pose, so I waited for her to come back before I introduced it. And while I was waiting, I got one of the other girls to take some pictures of me posing with the various winning drawings. I don't think I came off too well. I was really enjoying myself, but you wouldn't think so, judging from the miserable expression I have in these pictures. Face like a slapped arse.

And finally, the Make-A-Giant-Man pose. Unusually, there was just one penis this time. Often there's about three or four. It still looked like a genetic mutant, though. It always does.

I did like the big smile, though. I had to pose with that one. Made a contrast from the apparent misery in the previous ones. When I stood up, one of the girls noted that I had charcoal on my bum. I must have rested on a piece of it, while I was lying on the floor.